Sigh...

Sighssss...

It's the end of the day, I'm tired, stressed, and guess what? My PC at home was indeed infected with some virus. My friend Zile was trying to help me fix it yesterday, but, alas, I guess the virus and PC problem won over. Sigh...

Have been working so much with Excel lately for my crazy weekly Management Science assignments (done the last one today, nearly killed me) that this is the equation of my life right now:

= 1 more Management Science Midterm this Friday
+ 1 more Finance Assignment due next Wednesday
+ Finance Exam on next next Monday
+ Econ Exam on next next Monday
+ Management Science Exam next next Tuesday
+ BLaw Exam next next Friday
+ Religion Exam next next Monday
+ a broken PC
answer: TERUK

Sigh.

Oh well, so please pray for my Exams peeps, and especially for my PC too...am gona try to ask another friend to get it fixed.

Meanwhile, I have a dinner appointment with some Thai friends in 15 minutes. It's only 5.15pm now, but it's dark out. Dark it is, but it's snowing outside, and the snowfall brings out a white shimmer to contrast the darkness.

It's not all pitch black.

False Alarm

I've decided that my PC is clear of Trojan Virus. Though my PC has been acting strangely in the last two days...sometimes the internet pace seems pretty slow...but I think it's free from Virus, thank God! Can you imagine contracting two major viruses in a matter of 3 weeks apart? Wow, that would be sooo statistically significant man! I got to know that UOA Webmail has been hit with all these virus emails, so it wasn't just me!

I'm pretty much done my Islam Paper on Muslim Women In Politics, so just editing and adding/subtracting stuff. Thanks Deej for helping me with the editing!!

Oohhkies, I'm back to working on a management science assignment now in the Business Lab coz my PC's Excel is not as powerful as the one here. Tata, and have a great day ahead (or night!)

FBI emailed me

I woke up bright and early this morning at 8am (Class at 2pm Tues/Thurs)to resume my paper writing. Naturally, I checked mail before I did anything, and guess what? I have about 10 "junk" mails, two of which were from FBI/CIA of the United States informing me that I had gone to 30 illegal websites last night (while I was sleeping). There were documents attached to it to give me more details of those. Of course, I'm not that dumb to open those attachment with my PC. I knew something was up...and suspected maybe the previous virus had my webmail account address and/or password. But, the weird thing is, over the period of two weeks which I had the virus, nothing of this sort had happened. I didn't think much about it and chuck it at the back of my head as I really wanted to work on my paper.

I ran a security check on my computer, but there appears not to be a virus detected. However, a little while later, BitDefender informed me that they suspect trojan is lurking around in my computer.

When can this nightmare end??? What is Trojan anyway?? I'm this innocent gal who's a responsible user in the virtual world, with currently four security systems in my computer.

How can this happen?? Heeeelllllpppp!!!

Joy and Happiness

Last weekend when I was in Calgary, I met up with my friend David and we had this extremely interesting conversation over some eel sushi (no idea what it's called). And since then, we've still been pondering about it...

It went something like this:

Me: Hey, you know, someone asked me what is the meaning of 'Happiness' today. What do you think is the meaning of 'Happiness?'

D: Hmmm, I've never thought about it before.

Me: Yeah, neither have I. But, to think of it now, I think 'Happiness' depends on external factors. It's things of the world, situation which we are in which makes us happy or unhappy.

D: That's a good summary...

Me: And I think joy and happiness are quite different too. Joy, I think is dependant on an internal source.

D: Actually, I beg to differ. Joy can be related to external factors. I mean, we have periods of 'joy' which is shortlived. It's like an outburst of 'Joy.' Joy is perhaps harder to attain than that of happiness.

Me: Hmmm...well, there are some truths in that...but I still think joy is an emotion of an internal factor. Okay, for example, what do you deduce from this: "Mary is a joyful woman."

D: Hmmm...Mary is a joyful woman, she has joy within.

Me: Exactly, even though she might be facing an unhappy situation, she can still have joy within...because the joy is in her heart. One can have joy even when one is unhappy. That joy therefore is more long term than that of happiness.

D: Well, then let's say if we go with your argument that joy is from within; dependant on an internal source, then it cannot be long term.

Me: Why not?

D: Coz you would have to reconnect with that factor which gives you the joy within, otherwise it is short term too.

Me: You're right...I've never thought of it that way. Hmmm...but I guess if one reconnects with that factor which gives us joy on a frequent basis, then one has permanent joy.

We didn't agree with the meanings, the time period, and the source of joy and happiness. However, what we agreed to was that the eel sushi was indeed delicious!

So, what do you think about Joy and Happiness? Is Happiness based on external factors and Joy on an Internal Factor(s)? Is Joy and Happiness short or long term?

More importantly, IF you agree with me that Happiness is dependant on external factors and cannot sometimes be controlled (another destiny discussion next time, eh) while Joy is an internal factor, how do we attain Joy?

Feel free to kick our butts!

Growing Apart

Life. Ever had those moments where your mind brings you back to the past of good ol times with friends? Had one of those moments this morning when chatting with a long time friend, who was very close to me at one point of time. Reminiscience plunging in, sighs...

But you know, after such a long time, connecting again seems so strange, almost awkward in a sense. This friend was extremely close to me, and we shared so much together in life, but I guess because of some circumstances, things didn't work out...also due to geographical distance, and we haven't been in touch for quite some time. It's sad...but in some sense, I'm resigned to the fact that we have changed, and sadly, have grown apart.

Hmmm...

Cindy, a best friend of mine when I was 13 also came to mind. Our "best friend" period ended after a year when we were in different classes. Though we were really close for that year, a small change in environment changed our relationship, and we grew apart because we had different group of friends. Now, we barely keep in touch, but I guess she will always be in my heart as a "best friend" that I had.

On the other hand, there are those friends where you can pick things up from where you left them. Those friends, somehow, still know you, understand you though both have changed. That kind of magical connection is rare, and I really appreciate and cherish those friends. They are like those little teddy bears holding a heart to you saying, "Friends Forever." Thank God for friends!

Well...it doesn't always work that way. But I think this is life sometimes, we move on because we have grown apart, but the good memories will still be there.

That's what it means to say auld lang syne.

It Is Well With My Soul

I am back in Edmonton after spending five days in Calgary. It was so hard leaving today, as my heart felt so heavy. My aunt had a very bad day today...when I arrived in the morning at Tom Baker's, she felt so tired, dizzy and had blurness of vision. It's such a sad state to be in, and she must have felt so uncomfortable and miserable, and we spent some time crying together before I called my other aunt to come to the hospital earlier. While holding her hand, I just prayed for peace, peace that trandscends all understanding in her heart and mind, praying that it would comfort her.

While my aunt spend most of the day resting, I was in the lounge for a while, in a numb state. I went over to the piano, thinking what song to play, and this hymm came to me (There is a link on the Title if you would like to listen to it). I'm not really a hymm person, and though I don't know the verses, I knew the chorus well.

It goes like this:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

Refrain

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Refrain

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

Refrain

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

Refrain

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Refrain

Indeed, it gave me peace, to say that "It is well with my soul."

In the car coming back to Edmonton, I had flashbacks of the Cancer Centre and everything that is in it. Elizabeth, a black Trinidad Canadian, who shares my aunt's room...she is this small lady in stature who had very little hair I suppose lost to chemotheraphy. Then there's this extremely thin Chinese man who looks like in his 30s, always walking around with his IV pole and some tube attached to his nose. There's also this wonderful white woman, who looks perfectly fine to me...who walks around the Unit all the time and always praises my piano playing and asks me to play more often. There are many more cancer patients, young and old, and of course, my dear Aunt Amanda, lying in her bed, sometimes having a good cheerful day, and sometimes having a bad day crying.

I hope that they will have that peace in their heart...and somehow a sense of Joy though they are unhappy. I hope that they will grasp the meaning of:

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

When You Tell Me That You Love Me

My Aunt Amanda has been transferred to the Tom Baker Cancer Centre and this is my first time visiting her there since my last trip to Calgary a month ago. Her condition has improved and stabilized a lot since the last time I saw her, and I really thank God for that. The last time I was there a month ago, her condition was so bad that she was in excruciating pain all the time. Sighs...it is a horrible sight to see how a family member is in so much suffering and is fighting to live. Cancer is horrendous. Now, her pain has decreased a lot, and though she is still immobile, she is much more cheerful. Cancer patients have good and bad days, and in the last three days I was here, she had two good ones and one bad one. Please pray with me for her.

Being in a cancer centre really depresses me...seeing how young and old have the effects of cancer physically and emotionally. It can be such an emotionally challenging place to be at...but I have to give credit to the government for the extra funding cancer centre gets opposed to normal hospitals. There is a vast difference and that really makes a difference.
Tom Baker's is really quite a nice place...it is more comfortable and spacious, and each unit has a huge lounge. I really do like the lounge, though it is a cancer unit, there is a piano, many old rocking chairs and soft looking sofas, many baskets filled with different kinds of books and games (done jigsaw puzzles on the table), there's even a computer and a cd player. Though they have a few family rooms where relatives and visitors could rest, I often choose the lounge for it has a good view; a terrain of mountains. I've been tempted to play the piano since I've arrived, but have often been too busy helping my aunt in her room to actually have the time. Today, my aunt's pain was under control, and she wanted to go to the lounge to check her email, and so we went to the lounge in a wheelchair. She only managed to sit for 15 minutes and then the pain became unbearable again, but throughout the 15 minutes, I decided to play the piano.

I am no talented musician, but I do like playing soft music which really relaxes me, and I hoped that it would relax other people there too. I started playing some soft worship songs I liked, then just went on with anything that my fingers were playing, and without realizing, I started playing a tune which though it was familiar, I couldn't at that time think of the name of the song. Throughout that 15 minutes, many relatives and visitors came from rooms in curiousity to see who was playing the piano. However, when I was playing that song which I couldn't even think what it is, this caucasion woman came out, stood watching me/listening, and she began to cry. OH MY GOSH. I finished the song, and she disappeared, and then my aunt was in pain so we rushed to wheel her back to her room. After that, I was trying hard to think of the song, and a little while later, I realized what it was that I played.

It was this song:

WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME (Diana Ross)

I wanna call the stars
Down from the sky
I wanna live a day
That never dies
I wanna change the world
Only for you
All the impossible
I wanna do

I wanna hold you close
Under the rain
I wanna kiss your smile
And feel the pain
I know what's beautiful
Looking at you
In a world of lies
You are the truth

And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
I'll make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
I'm shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me

I wanna make you see
Just what I was
Show you the loneliness
And what it does
You walked into my life
To stop my tears
Everything's easy now
I have you here

And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
I'll make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
I'm shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me

In a world without you
I would always hunger
All I need is your love to make me stronger

And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
I'll make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
I'm shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me

You love me
When you tell me that you love me

This is perhaps the first time that I've actually looked carefully at the lyrics, and now I understand why the woman was crying. It is a song about love. About strength. About living. About not having regrets. About needing. About pain. About joy. About happiness.

Yes, above all, it is about love.

It moves me to tears as it did to the woman.

Snow is here!

It started snowing last night! I love watching snowfalls. It's such a prety sight of small flakes descending from the sky, and there seems to be a sense of magic in the air. I was at my friend's place last night, and the three of us went snow walking at 12am. Marvelous experience!

Ever wondered if there's a "snow smell?" I can tell you there is; snow smells of cold crisp fresh air and it makes you happy.

I'm happy, it's white and snowy outside!

This wasn't last night, but it was taken in January at my friend's farm. Pretty sight, ain't it?  

Freshness of it all

A freshly taken picture of the fresh snowfall.

Viruses

The big bad little invisible virus. It is everywhere.

Case One
My computer got hit by viruses. Yes, notice the plurality in that - I have more than one virus in my computer. When my friend Adil called me to let me know, my first reaction was, "How is that possible?" Sighs...well, I guess it is possible since my computer contracted it. Life has been a little challenging and inconvenient without a computer and Internet. But, it is manageable.

Case Two
I got hit by a virus, or a bacteria. Not too sure yet. On Saturday night, I was coughing and coughing throughout the night, and I think that was the earliest symptom of the bug I contracted. I suspect that I got the bug from Paul when riding in his car back from Red Deer to Edmonton on Saturday. So, this week I have been trying to be my own doctor by:

1. Drinking lots of water as how a Doctor would prescribe
2. Taking Vitamin C twice a day (something I rarely do)

But to my dismay, the cough didn't go away, and was progressively getting worse during the week. I started panicking last night, because I NEED to get better by Wednesday. I'm making a trip to Calgary next week right after classes end on Wednesday since it the Remembrance Day long weekend holiday. Yes, I am visiting my aunt, and so, I need to be perfectly healthy and not spread any bug to her as that would be really really bad.

So, I finally decided to go to the doctor today hoping to get some antibiotic (as Paul claims to have a bacteria and not a virus). I say hoping, because doctors in Canada are pretty stringent, they won't give you a prescription just because you feel like taking the medicine. A small example: Two summers ago, I fell ill (pretty ill), and had everything you could imagine: flu, cough, fever etc. Worse of all was that I lost my voice - completely. Naturally, I went to the doctor's, and guess what he said? He told me to just go home and rest. I was enraged. I mean, I'm sure he could give me a prescription for antibiotics right? But no...his prescription was just more sleep and that my immune system will do the job of the medication. I went back to him after a week, still voiceless, and this time, he prescribed me antibiotics. So, there goes my story of how stringent doctors here are.

And, to top that off, doctors here only prescribe medication, they do not sell you the medication. In Malaysia, the doctors do this dual job: prescribing and selling you, all at the same time, same place. Very convenient. Here, there is a separation of duty between doctors and pharmacists. Doctors prescribe the medicine, and you have to go to a pharmacy to get the medicine. I am sure there are good points to the separation of duty; it being doctors will not misuse their ability to obtain medicine and sell it to whomever. And, pharmacists will also be able to check and know which doctor prescribed what, and if there is a basis for the prescription. I have to admit those are very good check and balance measures taken in this country. However, the downfall is the inconvenience to the residents...having to go from a clinic to a pharmacy to complete a "doctor's visit." I only wish a clinic were side by side to a pharmacy. That would be ideal.

So, anyway, back to my wanting to have a visit to the clinic today. At my 9am Law Class, I sat next to this coursemate, who happens to be a pharmacist (a working pharmacist in a law class, hmm...) and so I decided to ask for his opinion if the doctor would prescribe me antibiotics. Listening to my symptoms, he said the doctors will most likely not prescribe me antibiotics. My best bet is to just let my body recoup and/or take some cough syrup. Thanks, Patrick for the advice...so now I'm not going to waste two hours waiting in line at the University's clinic. Anyway, I'm going to get the cough syrup from my friend Geri.

Guys, please pray for a miracle. I need to get the viruses out of my life soon. Especially medically, I need it out by Wednesday.

Aidilfitri

Finally the fasting month of Ramadan has come to an end, ushering Muslims into the festive season of Aidilfitri. Though I'm not a Muslim, it has always been one of my favourite holiday seasons as there's just so much to eat during this festivity! I miss going to Dhalia's yearly kenduris (open house) where me and my Malay friends would have so much fun eating and chattering. Miss those girly ol days just teasing one another about guys and all. Hahahaha.

Can't remember if I ever got duit raya (Hari Raya's gift of $$ from the elderly) from her parents, but it was always fun to go, and especially since I don't have many Malay traditional clothes - baju kurung/baju kebaya, I always had to hunt for one when going for Malay traditional events. Always did like wearing the baju kurung. It made me feel that though we're of different race; me being a Chinese and them being Malay, there's a cultural understanding which binds us to be purely Malaysians.

Well, anyways, those are reminiscience of the past. I miss my Malay girlfriends and the yummy Malay food! To my dear Malay friends: Dalia, Dhalia, Liyana, Thaju, Nisa and all my Muslim friends, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!

Politics - I don't get it

The Gomery Report is out. Now that the cat is out of the basket and the Chretien government is to be blamed for the sponsorship scandal which cost taxpayers $1.14 million, Harper wants an election - fast. Harper wants all opposition parties (Conservative, NDP and BQ) to call for an opposition day this week since the ruling government has lost its moral mandate to govern. And then, he goes on to question how Layton (NDP) could continue to deal with a government he considered to be corrupt.

"I just don't understand where Jack is coming from. I don't see how you say 'We've got a government that's corrupt but, you know, maybe we can get better health care. I don't follow the logic."

Well, okay, Harper has got a point there. However, I don't get Harper's logic either. How can calling an election right now change the predicament Canadians are in? The NDP and BQ can never form a government, and so it pretty much leaves it to a battle between the ruling Liberals and Harper's Conservative. However, since Prime Minister Martin has not been pinpoint as one of the "corrupt officials" and for some reasons, Canadians feel that he's the most trustworthy person to lead the country as compared to Harper, calling an election will pretty much have the same results as now: a Liberal minority government. True, the Liberals are painted as "corrupted" right now, but Harper's popularity has been dwindling down since the last election - for some reason.

Right now, Harper's political career is at stake if he calls an election. If the Conservative Party is not going to win this coming election, whenever it is, poor Harper is going to be booted out by the Conservatives who are tired of losing to the Liberals since 1993.

I think the Conservative Party needs a revival.